Hello again mindless masses, Toblerone J. Aarkvark here just brimming with pseudo-orgasmic excitement at the chance to impress upon your mushy gelatinous primitive under-evolved cerebrums with yet another insightful adjective (and parentheses) laden article. People often see me for the successful charismatic man that I am and ask how I got that way. The secret of my success is this: delusions of grandeur. Many people have unfairly characterised delusions of grandeur (henceforth know as DOG...

Somewhere a marketing guy high up in an office building in a city somewhere is giving this lecture to his budding protégé. Marketing guy: The thing you have to understand son is that it’s all about the knowing your demographic, it’s ALL about knowing your demographic. Young Naive Intern: What do you mean, I thought it was all about selling stuff. (Slaps him on back condescendingly) MG: Ha ha ha, so young and so naive. Listen to me: (said extremely quickly) You’ve g...

Here is a cartoon I once drew in a birthday card for a girl I liked ages ago (champas socialist will know who since at the time I wouldn't shutup about her). Looking at it now it is a real wonder she never went out with me.....it probably had something to do with the poem on the inside of the card...a story for another time. The character sketchy girl is LOOSELY based on the aforementioned girl who was quite the raver (BTW sketchy is slang for how you feel after a "big night out" if you get m...

A long time ago in a share house not so far away my sister lived with a rather eccentric man (who is actually a good friend of my family). He had a penchant for playing practical jokes, telling dirty jokes in inappropriate company, a beret/hat fetish and he used to dry his underpants in the microwave. He was and still is a music teacher and quite a smart guy, just a bit strange (now that’s the pot calling the kettle African American). Anyway one day I noticed he’d written the following phras...

Flight of the Conchords (New Zealand's self proclaimed forth most popular folk-parody duo) has their own sitcom. I'm going to be a willing vector in HBO's viral ad campaign for this show. It is quite funny in a unique low-key sort of way. It loses a bit of impact for me because I've heard all their songs a million times but for a newbie it should be better. I've never seen a musical sitcom before. See the pilot below: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&fr...

Article: Sharon and Kelly Osbourne were thrown off a nudist beach on a Spanish vacation - because they wouldn't strip. The pair were stunned to be asked to leave the stretch of sand on the island of Mallorca. Kelly explains, "I went to Mallorca with my mum and we were on a beach and asked to move because we wouldn't go topless. It was my worst holiday." (wenn) The nerve, they should be on their hands and knees thanking them for not stripping. Therapy ain't cheap.

I was in a silly mood so I decided to make an ultra-crap cover version of "Mother Mother" by Tracy Botham. Have you ever wondered what that song would sound like if it was played badly on ukulele and "sung" by an Australian version of that asian American Idol Reject that sings "Push Up"? Then look no further. Truly an archetypal "how not to" for music fanatics. No I'm not fishing for compliments here - this is truly crap and quite deliberately so. I apologise in advance. ...

Here is my two cents on the subject of 6/6/06. click here to download video EDIT: Google video version

Supercilious Pillow Talk by K.C.D.L. (AKA Toblerone) It is morning, a man and a woman lie in bed together facing each other. “What are you looking at me like that for?” she asks. “Ah, umm, I don’t want to say, it’s silly…” “Go on, tell me,” she pleads. He opens his mouth, hesitates, closes it, opens it again and then says: “Okay. I think you have very sexy eyebrows.” She considers this. “That is….really a very weird thing to say. Personally I think they could do wi...

Hello sentient lifeforms. I'd like to talk to you today about an issue that concerns us all. It surrounds us constantly. It steals our cats and makes mince meat of our octopodes. It makes a mockery of our belief systems and angers our grandparents. It tap dances naked in our frontyards and chucks browneyes at the neighbours. It is almost, but not quite, exactly what it almost always isn't - but not precisely. That is to say, in manner of speaking, that it is not strickly speakly a thing at...