A weird mix of surrealism, bizarre philosophy, politics, personal views and, of course, smoked salmon milkshakes. One reader said: "....you have an excellant writing style! Thanks for the information and a few laughs!" - Dr. Guy
Boss, the plane the plane!
Published on July 8, 2005 By Toblerone In Humor
You are lounging on a tropical island. Daiquiri in hand you eye the beautiful women in their bikinis. One of them is eyeing you back; they walk over to you.

You strike up a wonderful conversation and find in addition to being extremely beautiful they are also extremely intelligent holding several degrees in personal hygiene and poolside apparel. Charmed by your charisma and perfectly white teeth they cannot but yield to your carnal desires.

"Where have you been all my life?" they enquire lasciviously.

"Various state sponsored institutions, for the most part,” you reply enigmatically. They smile, in a slightly confused way, but they are still overcome with sexual desire.

You walk back with them to your five star hotel room. On the way back you notice that the original inhabitants of the island now man the numerous cocktail stands and sell tacky merchandise (you make a mental note to buy a Hawaiian shirt with coconut tree motif).

You arrive at the hotel room. You sit on the balcony watching the tropical sunset filter though the emissions of the local oil refinery. The coral reef glows faintly with the radioactivity of past nuclear testing. You marvel at the deadly beauty of it all.

They take a Champagne bottle from the mini-fridge.

"Care for a drink?" the recently acquired sex-object asks with an impish grin on their face while leaning seductively in the balcony doorway.

"None for me thanks, it doesn't mix well with the anti-psychotics I'm taking," you reply. They laugh heartily at your witty reply, until they see the crazed expression on your face. They continue lusting after you however and get you a glass of mango juice instead.

You sip your drinks and flirt unrepentantly while trading amusing anecdotes of past exploits. You play footsies under the table and they admire your extra toes.

Inevitably you make your way to the emperor sized bed. You both disrobe and proceed to play "dress poker" for six hours straight. You both play to lose.

The complementary Viagra left on the pillows is consumed. You admit before coitus to being a virgin. The next few hours is consumed by inexpert fumbling. You give up and watch Brady Bunch reruns on satellite TV. They run off with the bell-boy.

You wake up screaming and curse the day you started to rot your brain with reality TV.
Too much reality is never a good thing.
"

Comments (Page 1)
2 Pages1 2 
on Jul 09, 2005
See, I'm back to being apolitical

*bump*
on Jul 09, 2005
hahaha! I loved it!
on Jul 09, 2005
Thanks Shovel. It has been while since I've written anything silly (deliberately that is) so it is good to be appreciated.
on Jul 10, 2005
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!

you have you fingers on something mate... don't know if it is the pulse... definitely something though.
on Jul 10, 2005
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!


Thanks mate.

you have you fingers on something mate... don't know if it is the pulse... definitely something though


Most people tell me I have my fingers UP something...usually the same place I pull my articles from.
on Jul 11, 2005


they are also extremely intelligent holding several degrees in personal hygiene and poolside apparel


Oh, I've known far too many who thought they had degrees in these subjects. Turns out they got them from one of those dodgy online education centres. Turned out most of 'em couldn't even figure out how to use an electric toothbrush. And no, its not a vibrator substitute...
on Jul 11, 2005
*closes mouth and sighs* LOL

I agree, check out my article on tv...
on Jul 11, 2005
Heh. But I wouldn't give those executives any ideas if I were you.
on Jul 11, 2005
Maso:
Oh, I've known far too many who thought they had degrees in these subjects. Turns out they got them from one of those dodgy online education centres. Turned out most of 'em couldn't even figure out how to use an electric toothbrush. And no, its not a vibrator substitute...

You mean there aren't degrees in those subjects?!

Heh. But I wouldn't give those executives any ideas if I were you.


I apologise for any new reality TV shows inspire by my article in the future. Though I get the feeling TV execs don't read so I don' t think it'll be a problem.

Reply By: Lucas Aaron James BaileyPosted: Monday, July 11, 2005*closes mouth and sighs*


Thanks.

on Jul 11, 2005
your story could be a reality TV show ... and if your brain is rotted then you most definitely can write for network TV ...

---Most people tell me I have my fingers UP something...usually the same place I pull my articles from.---

maybe that's why people thought you article was the sh*t.
on Jul 11, 2005
Thanks you dig it, you make a silly little man very happy, and I feel appreciated too.
on Jul 12, 2005
Nice, hehe. You oughta be making money with that imagination of yours, hehe.

I still owe you an article, btw...I haven't forgotten...I'm just waiting for a day when the shirt's clean and I've got the hair and make up for a pic, haha.
on Jul 12, 2005
Nice, hehe. You oughta be making money with that imagination of yours, hehe.


Thanks, that really makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

I still owe you an article, btw...I haven't forgotten...I'm just waiting for a day when the shirt's clean and I've got the hair and make up for a pic, haha.


Thanks. Yeah I hope it turned out okay. I just got a new computer monitor with better picture quality and realised the Keeping It Surreal logo looked a bit dodgy (I've fixed it now) so I hope it looks better in print then in did on the screen.

You rock as always,

Toblerone
on Jul 14, 2005
You mean there aren't degrees in those subjects?!


Oh there are degrees alright. It just depends on who is holding the protractor ;Q
on Jul 14, 2005
Oh there are degrees alright. It just depends on who is holding the protractor ;Q




I'll pay that one.
2 Pages1 2