Hello. Come in, take a seat. No not there, that's where I keep my pile of invisible pine cones. Invisible pine cones? Don't ask stupid questions. Today I would like to talk about the universe. Specifically I would like to explain it to those of you that haven't been paying attention in their " Physics, Metaphysics and Far Side Cartoons: A Guide to Understanding Everything " class, which is now compulsory for any student wishing to become chronically unemployed. Today you may have woke...

Welcome to part 2 of this thrilling series of articles. Here's what the critics have been saying over the last week: " Lemony Snicket's: A series of unfortunate events had me chuckling away with all the glee of a nun on a seatless bicycle." - Time Magazine "The soup was bland, the main course was poorly conceived and as for how it was executed: it should have been. The service, if you could call it that, was simply atrocious. I'm not entirely sure what language they were speaking but...

In an effort to further the understanding of general public, or mindless peasants, as I prefer to call them, I am continuing this series of enlightening articles. I do this in spite of the fact I truly believe no one is currently smart enough to understand them. I am however an eternal optimist and I think perhaps one of you carbon-based cretins might make a gigantic a evolutionary leap forward in the meantime, so I’ll continue just in case. In an effort to increase your grasp of previousl...

Hello again mindless masses, Toblerone J. Aarkvark here just brimming with pseudo-orgasmic excitement at the chance to impress upon your mushy gelatinous primitive under-evolved cerebrums with yet another insightful adjective (and parentheses) laden article. People often see me for the successful charismatic man that I am and ask how I got that way. The secret of my success is this: delusions of grandeur. Many people have unfairly characterised delusions of grandeur (henceforth know as DOG...

Somewhere a marketing guy high up in an office building in a city somewhere is giving this lecture to his budding protégé. Marketing guy: The thing you have to understand son is that it’s all about the knowing your demographic, it’s ALL about knowing your demographic. Young Naive Intern: What do you mean, I thought it was all about selling stuff. (Slaps him on back condescendingly) MG: Ha ha ha, so young and so naive. Listen to me: (said extremely quickly) You’ve g...

Here is a cartoon I once drew in a birthday card for a girl I liked ages ago (champas socialist will know who since at the time I wouldn't shutup about her). Looking at it now it is a real wonder she never went out with me.....it probably had something to do with the poem on the inside of the card...a story for another time. The character sketchy girl is LOOSELY based on the aforementioned girl who was quite the raver (BTW sketchy is slang for how you feel after a "big night out" if you get m...

A long time ago in a share house not so far away my sister lived with a rather eccentric man (who is actually a good friend of my family). He had a penchant for playing practical jokes, telling dirty jokes in inappropriate company, a beret/hat fetish and he used to dry his underpants in the microwave. He was and still is a music teacher and quite a smart guy, just a bit strange (now that’s the pot calling the kettle African American). Anyway one day I noticed he’d written the following phras...

It is has been a while since I have added to this series of articles. For this I apologise, I am aware that your entire life consists of you constantly reloading this blog in the hope that I have written a new entry to this series. This may be hard to believe but it is actually quite hard to write articles about understanding the universe. Not because it is exceptionally complicated you understand. On the contrary I was only 4 years old when I finger painted the grand equation: [(0 = 1 = i...

I like lesbians. A lot of guys like lesbians but with the misguided notion that they will have a threesome with them, that is of course actually the domain of bisexuals but even then only the really cool ones (that's a whole other article). The lesbian scenario doesn't really work because you're like "Cool, you're lesbians, can we have threesome?" and they're like "No. You're a man and we're lesbians. Having sex with you would completely defeat the purpose of our divinely inspired lesbianhood...

I'd like to say a big hello to the unwashed masses that have once again tuned in for this week's installment of Understanding the Universe. Undoubtedly you have been on the edge of your seat waiting. Today we try to understand people in yet an other effort to understand the mystery of the nouns (which is in fact composed of multiple mysteries but is alway referred to as a singular mystery as per the post-post modernist handbook). The best way to try to understand people is to put yourself ...

Flight of the Conchords (New Zealand's self proclaimed forth most popular folk-parody duo) has their own sitcom. I'm going to be a willing vector in HBO's viral ad campaign for this show. It is quite funny in a unique low-key sort of way. It loses a bit of impact for me because I've heard all their songs a million times but for a newbie it should be better. I've never seen a musical sitcom before. See the pilot below: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&fr...