A weird mix of surrealism, bizarre philosophy, politics, personal views and, of course, smoked salmon milkshakes. One reader said: "....you have an excellant writing style! Thanks for the information and a few laughs!" - Dr. Guy
that issue which concerns us all
Published on April 5, 2006 By Toblerone In Humor
Hello sentient lifeforms.

I'd like to talk to you today about an issue that concerns us all. It surrounds us constantly. It steals our cats and makes mince meat of our octopodes. It makes a mockery of our belief systems and angers our grandparents. It tap dances naked in our frontyards and chucks browneyes at the neighbours. It is almost, but not quite, exactly what it almost always isn't - but not precisely. That is to say, in manner of speaking, that it is not strickly speakly a thing at all - or possibly it is. The facts as they are, or rather aren't, are hard to ascertain at this point - except for that one. The question is what can we do to stop it?

After careful consideration and a couple of pints of LSD I have come to this conclusion. And the conclusion is this; it is that which I am about to tell you shortly. In almost no time at all. Right now in fact. Not a moment later. And it is this: err, I've forgotten, but no matter I'm sure it wasn't important. Remember it well.

So in conclusion by careful application of the principles I have entirely neglected to explain this travesty can be avoided almost incompletely 99.4% of the time. Keep this in mind and your life will be devoid of all worries caused by this issue.

Thankyou for your concern concerning this phenomenon.

Yours truly dishonestly and with almost no conviction at all (except for that incident in the 70's that they could never prove conclusively involving that old slapper in the coffee shop who was asking for it anyway),

Not me. Me being Toblerone J. Aardvark - who isn't him either.

Comments (Page 1)
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on Apr 05, 2006
Was I going to comment?  Oh well, no matter.
on Apr 05, 2006
brilliant and amazing skills in deduction ... thank you for clearing things up
on Apr 05, 2006
ahhhh, it's the squirrels in the life.....
on Apr 05, 2006
After careful consideration I decline to comment because of the sheer brilliance of your article totally covered all sides of this issue!

good work.
on Apr 05, 2006
on Apr 05, 2006
Was I going to comment? Oh well, no matter.


This is not my reply to your comment.

brilliant and amazing skills in deduction ... thank you for clearing things up


You are most certainly, though we should never strive to be certain, welcome. Perhaps not though, I'm not sure.

ahhhh, it's the squirrels in the life.....


Isn't it just? I remember my mother saying something to that effect - or perhaps I just imagined it. Never mind.

After careful consideration I decline to comment because of the sheer brilliance of your article totally covered all sides of this issue!good work.


That's the exact same reason I decide not to write the article you read that lead you to make that comment you didn't make!

Laugh, confused look, gasp


I had the same effect on myself until I ignored me - I didn't go away however. Funny that.

on Apr 05, 2006
I've forgotten, but no matter I'm sure it wasn't important. Remember it well.


always remember: don't forget.
on Apr 05, 2006
always remember: don't forget.


I'll keep that in mind and mind where I keep it, mindfully mind you not mindlessly kept. After all one would not want to keep one's mind and lose one's head, then how would one earn one's keep?

What?! Sometimes I have trouble following my own train of though, mostly because I'm driving it.
on Apr 05, 2006
This has totally motivated me to get up and then sit down. Thanks for showing me the light. Brilliant!!
on Apr 05, 2006
This has totally motivated me to get up and then sit down. Thanks for showing me the light. Brilliant!!


I am glad I've shocked people of passive complacency and into aggressive inaction.
on Apr 07, 2006
Reading this made me think of something I read as a kid, this isn't quite the same version, but I'm sure you will get the point.
One fine day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys* got up to fight, [*or men]

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other,


One was blind and the other couldn't, see

So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play,

A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"


A paralysed donkey passing by,

Kicked the blind man in the eye,

Knocked him through a nine inch wall,

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,


A deaf policeman heard the noise,

And came to arrest the two dead boys,

If you don't believe this story’s true,

Ask the blind man he saw it too!

on Apr 07, 2006
Thanks for that Sally, I like that

on Apr 10, 2006
Another erudite, eloquent (and other words beginning with 'E') treatise to the divining powers of LSD. Hunter would be proud...

ahhhh, it's the squirrels in the life.....


But whatever happened to the ferrets of circumstance?
on Apr 10, 2006
Another erudite, eloquent (and other words beginning with 'E') treatise to the divining powers of LSD. Hunter would be proud...


Thankyou. Who is this Hunter of which you speak?

But whatever happened to the ferrets of circumstance?


They had charges brought against them by the victims of circumstance.
on Apr 10, 2006
Who is this Hunter of which you speak?


Hunter S Thompson, of course. I suppose I could have said Timothy Leary, but then who remembers him?
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