for the purpose of confidence building
Hello again mindless masses, Toblerone J. Aarkvark here just brimming with pseudo-orgasmic excitement at the chance to impress upon your mushy gelatinous primitive under-evolved cerebrums with yet another insightful adjective (and parentheses) laden article.
People often see me for the successful charismatic man that I am and ask how I got that way. The secret of my success is this: delusions of grandeur. Many people have unfairly characterised delusions of grandeur (henceforth know as DOG purely to confuse you) as a psychological disorder. Nothing could be further than the truth, it combines all the traits of egotism, selfishness, self-confidence and sheer failure to accept reality that we need in this demanding, dim-witted, consumer driven society we live in.
Look at God for example, see where DOG got Him. “I am a jealous God, you shall worship no other god than me!” He exclaimed testily when His mother praised His little brother Jason for his marvellous finger-painting one day about 13.7 billion years ago. God suffered from typical first child jealousy of His younger, cuter sibling who seemed to be mummy’s favourite and decided to resolve the problem once and for all by creating a whole new universe where he could get the most attention and wouldn’t have to share it with that little brat. Now look where he is, ruler of a whole bloody universe!
This power could be yours if only you put aside your silly fear of being seen as conceited.
Here are some pointers for nurturing your latent delusions of grandeur:
1) When religious people come up to you on the street and ask “Do you know god?” just answer “Of course I do, I am God” (seriously I have actually said this –it is a pretty good way of getting rid of them too:)
2) Introduce yourself to people as being the most beautiful intelligent person in the universe and just be generally immodest. Say it with a straight face.
3) Be condescending, it’s fun and it increases the distance between you and the dirty peasants.
4) Talk in a loud booming voice in normal conversation and also when giving commands such as “I COMMAND YOU TO MAKE ME A FLAT WHITE COFFEE WITH TWO SUGARS OR I SHALL SMITE THEE!!!”(Keep a cigarette lighter handy for smitings).
5) Never ask questions and never apologise.
6) Never put yourself down
Just as neon-pink is the new black, delusions of grandeur are the new self-loathing. Self-deprecation is like so 2004.
Until next time just remember: I may be an egotistical, self-centred, phallocentric, self-absorbed, megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur and plans for world domination but AT LEAST I’M A REALIST,
Toblerone J. Aardvark
P.S. You may be wondering what this article has to do with understanding the universe. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME YOU PEASANT!!! (Err, well anyway it's because your perception of yourself effects your perception of the universe and stuff....yeah, that'll do.)
P.P.S. Remember DOG is God spelt backwards and that has to count for something.
Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only. Toblerone takes no responsibility for any arse-kickings received as a result of ignoring this disclaimer. May contain traces of peanuts. Batteries not included.