Some demographics you may not have heard of...

Published on April 12, 2005 By Toblerone In Humor

Somewhere a marketing guy high up in an office building in a city somewhere is giving this lecture to his budding protégé.

Marketing guy: The thing you have to understand son is that it’s all about the knowing your demographic, it’s ALL about knowing your demographic.

Young Naive Intern: What do you mean, I thought it was all about selling stuff.

(Slaps him on back condescendingly)<

MG: Ha ha ha, so young and so naive. Listen to me:

(said extremely quickly)

You’ve got your female 8 to 16 years olds that are epileptic, angsty, neurotic and have unnatural fascination with the concept of lickable wallpaper.

You’ve got your balding middle age hemaphrodites who live with their mum, like long walks on the beach and own “Gandhi Sings the Blues” on vinyl and DVD.

You’ve got you male, femo-nazi, 4 to 14 year olds with a social conscience and a penchant for mass homicide.

You’ve got your mid-life-crisis-new-age-spiritual male 35 to 50 year olds with a penile inferiority complex and an allergy to organic carrots.

Lastly and most importantly you’ve got your high income, 25 to 60 year old female acondroplastic dwarfs with pneumonia, leprosy, acute appendicitis and aspirations for winning gold at the Olympics.

YNI: Yeah sure, I know all that that’s all first year marketing stuff, but what does it have to do with selling stuff.

MG: I’ll give you an example. Say you want to sell a sports car to the “mid-life crisis new age spiritual male 35 to 50 year olds with a penile inferiority complex and an allergy to organic carrots” what do you want to say about the car?

YNI: Err, that its fast.....fast enough to escape organic carrots and, err.... big enough to compensate for their penis size.

MG: That's great son, but not just that it’s fast and big but that it's SAFE.

YNI: Fast and safe but doesn’t that take the excitement out of it.

MG: Look mate, the car is just for show really, the guy wants to feel like he’s 20 years old, but 20 years olds have no fear of death, they think they're immortal. However a mid-life crisis is FUELED by a fear of death. So you want to say that you can hit a wall in this car going at 200 miles an hour and come out without a scratch.

YNI: Is that even possible?

MG: Fuck no, they’ll die! That’s the beauty of it, we’re ad-men not engineers who cares if the product can do what we say it can, that isn’t our job. You just gotta make ‘em THINK that they’re safe while going really fast and try to keep their mind off organic carrots and their tiny little penises!

YNI: Isn’t that a bit unethical?

(Awkward pause, they exchange meaningful looks)

MG: Huh?

Another generation of intelligence insulting ad-men/women is created like this everyday. It makes me sick!

Until next time: Buy Sketchy Wear designs, it’s like a wearable aphrodisiac!

While you’re at it why don’t you check out my sponsors:

To maintain the purity of our chicken we have one herb and no spices. Chicken, it's the superior white meat.

Hey there hot stuff! Please insert your big games cartridge into me. Yeah baby, turn me on. Oh yeah, push my buttons and play with your joystick. Oh yeah baby I'm gonna take you to the next level. Oh no! Game over so soon. Sure honey, it happens to lots of men....those men just happen to be losers.

'til next time,
Toblerone....5 lesson plans down, 30 to go.....gotta stop procrastinating.

Comments

dynamaso

on Apr 13, 2005

*gasp, snort*

Very good, mate. My wife works for a large corporate FM Radio network. Recently, she was told her particularly station's demographic: an 18 to 26 year old female working in the beauty/hair profession and living in Bankstown, most likely still at home. This person or these people are the centre-point consideration of any marketing campaigns, programming strategies or sales targets.

Scary, isn't it...

Toblerone

on Apr 13, 2005

Scary, isn't it...

He he he, very scary indeed Maso.

Toblerone

on Apr 13, 2005

A blantant attempt to bump on to forums. Never.

TheFazz

on Apr 13, 2005

Haha...sorry for the brief comment but I feel like I need to leave something.

NJforever

on Apr 16, 2005

Hah. I also have nothing constructive to add. But I think you hit the nail on the head in describing marketing.

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