This article may offend Christians, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Men and Women.
I like lesbians. A lot of guys like lesbians but with the misguided notion that they will have a threesome with them, that is of course actually the domain of bisexuals but even then only the really cool ones (that's a whole other article). The lesbian scenario doesn't really work because you're like "Cool, you're lesbians, can we have threesome?" and they're like "No. You're a man and we're lesbians. Having sex with you would completely defeat the purpose of our divinely inspired lesbianhood."
This is a conversation I've had with many lesbians and despite this I still really like them. I once wrote a short essay on the matter to explain my fondness for this wonderful group of women. I'd like to say a big hello to the sisterhood of lesbians whether you be of the butch or lipstick variety (but of course mostly to the lipstick variety because deep down I'm really quite shallow). The explanation goes as follows.
In the beginning God made woman but woman bitched (quite understandably I think) to God about the lack of labour saving devices, the predominantly green colour scheme and the lack of entertainment. God (who is actually a sexless blob of green jelly) thought it was pretty hot stuff and was rather offended by her bitching. So with the sole purpose of pissing her off God created man. Basically man is just a device to piss women off and occasionally entertain them through their stupidity (they also have something to do with perpetuating the species that I cannot currently recall). After a few thousand years God had forgiven the original woman's bitching (her name was Cheryl, she was a bit of a skank to be honest) and invented lesbianism as compensation.
Men are absolutely disgusting creatures. Take the penis (not literally you sick person) for example. If I weren’t a guy I wouldn't go within 10 fucking feet of one those things (and despite what some guys may have told you they DON'T get that long unless you are a blue whale...with a penis extension). Imagine your best friend is a penis (this may not be a stretch for some of you). You go out with them and have fun and just when the night is peaking and you’re having a great time they throw up, not just on you, but inside you. This is the penis in a nutshell (I have heard that occasionally they do get that small in cases of androgen insensitivity). So of course lesbianism makes more sense to me then anything else. Why would any woman want to be with a guy? Now for the song in tribute to the smartest girls in the world (to be sung in Gilbert and Sullivan style):
Lesbians, lesbians
Let’s be friends with lesbians
Let’s make sure there's lots of them
And make sure it never eeeeeeends... you know:
Eating carpet, munching box
Having sex with rubber cocks
Wearing short hair, avoiding men
I really do like lesbiaaaaaaaaans
And I couldn't stand a world
Where there is no girl on girl
'cause I really do like
leeeeeeees----biiiiiiiiii-----aaaaaaaaaaans
P.S. I 'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to everyone.