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It’s the little bubbles of nothing that made it really something
Published on January 24, 2005 By Toblerone In Humor
In an effort to further the understanding of general public, or mindless peasants, as I prefer to call them, I am continuing this series of enlightening articles. I do this in spite of the fact I truly believe no one is currently smart enough to understand them. I am however an eternal optimist and I think perhaps one of you carbon-based cretins might make a gigantic a evolutionary leap forward in the meantime, so I’ll continue just in case.

In an effort to increase your grasp of previously mentioned topics (string theory and the mystery of the nouns) I will explain the concept of STUC. STUC is short for Spouting Total and Utter Crap. This is a useful tool that has come out of the school of post-post modernist thought. While a post modernist denies the concept of absolute truth, a post-post modernist denies the falsehood of lies. Taking this concept to its natural conclusion you realise that any crap you make up is in fact true. If you don’t understand this be thankful because successful comprehension of this concept usually results in a severe brain haemorrhage and really smelly armpits. With all this in mind we will tackle the mystery of the nouns.

Okay the basic philosophical conundrum is this “Why should anything exist?” this is the mystery of the nouns. I spent a couple of seconds this morning pondering this question while obsessively pacing back and forth in my backyard (in a departure from my normal routine this time I wasn’t chained to the Hills Hoist). With the help of the STUC technique I came up with this rather pretentious answer:

“Things exist because existence is eternal and nothingness is ephemeral. Existence in its purest form is nothingness. Nothingness is defined by the fact that it can’t be defined, at least not by the clumsy symbolic thought of primates. Nothingness is neither big or small, black nor white, funny nor humourless, legless nor sober etc. Due to this lack of definition the possibilities for nothingness is infinite. When there is a possibility of something happening in a realm with no restrictions (nothingness by its own non-definition has no restrictive rules) the probability that it will happen is 100%. During its infinitely short “existence” nothingness realises it cannot possibly exist. Nothingness, it a fit of self-contrary rage, then usurps itself by causing things to pop into existence at random.”

Happy with this theory I then proceeded to affectionately stroke the friendly Wandering Albatross that suddenly materialised upon my lawn.

Now you know how the universe (in actuality the multiverse, but that’s a subject for a another time) came into being we can finally get into the nitty gritty of understanding it. To understand the universe it is necessary to point out the various going-ons that you may not be fully aware of. It amazes me how little people notice of the world around them, such as the extremely long string tied to their big toe for example. This multitude of oversights will be partially remedied in the next article: Understanding the Universe Part 4: The Secret Life of the Universe.

Comments
on Jan 24, 2005
Its all falling together now! You are a mastermind of theories! Now if you excuse me, the Monkey of Eternia just walked in and is demanding Earl Grey tea with a lemon twist and a hint oif lime. Oh wait, make that four, a three-headed chicken seems to have shown up.
on Jan 24, 2005
Be careful with those Monkeys of Eternia they are known for stealing silverware and underpants. The three headed chickens on the other hand is good thing, the people of the Xavius Dimension consider them a good omen.
on Jan 24, 2005
you mentioned little bubbles of nothing and i thought you were going to start singing the praises of mountain dew, lemon squash and other such carbonated delights. now i'm disappointed, although immeasurably enlightened.

Teegstar (rocks the multiverse)
on Jan 25, 2005
I just noticed you put my blog as another good blog you know on your site. Now you're even more a genius! I'll put you on mine as soon as I figure out how! P.S. You were right, that Monkey of Eternia stole all my spoons and half my knives. But he left the forks alone, any idea why?
on Jan 25, 2005
I have a vicious brown couch that is convinced it is a throne. It doesn't matter how many times I move it, I keep finding it wedged in the doorway of the toilet, trying to pull the cistern from the wall. Your theory certainly explains my increase in body odour, but my head still feels normal. Should I expect the brain haemorrhage sooner or later?
on Jan 25, 2005
Dynamaso: You may not notice your brain haemorrhage until the pressure builds sufficiently. As the first symptom is often your head exploding you may not notice it at all.

NJforever: The Monkey of Eternia simply doesn't care for forks, it's a genetic thing. You better update your blog more often now (I left a comment on your site). To add/update your links click the "My Account" link and select add custom links on the page that link sends you to, from there there are instructions that show you how to add a link. Thanks by the way.

Teegstar: The "little bubbles of nothing...." is in fact a reference to the Aerobar slogan. I might change your link title I'm not really happy with do the electric bogaloo, I was just being random. I'll think of something.

Cheers All,

Toblerone J. Aardvark
on Jan 26, 2005
You are a great writer. I want Part 4! Thank you for putting my blog on your list. I shall add yours to mine because of all your brilliant articles.
on Jan 26, 2005
Thanks a lot Fazz, I hope you keep up the good work on your blog as well. Incidently after reading your blog now I'm paranoid that I'm going to use the wrong "your" and lose all your respect.
on Jan 26, 2005
Incidently after reading your blog now I'm paranoid that I'm going to use the wrong "your" and lose all your respect.


He has that effect on people.
on Jan 27, 2005
Don't worry, your not going to use the wrong one!