String Theory and The Mystery of the Nouns
Welcome to part 2 of this thrilling series of articles. Here's what the critics have been saying over the last week:
"Lemony Snicket's: A series of unfortunate events had me chuckling away with all the glee of a nun on a seatless bicycle." - Time Magazine
"The soup was bland, the main course was poorly conceived and as for how it was executed: it should have been. The service, if you could call it that, was simply atrocious. I'm not entirely sure what language they were speaking but I cetainly hope they have a word for slow, smelly and obnoxious waiter. I'd give the Huck Pow restaurant 1 and 1/2 stars out of 100 but I wouldn't want to encourage them." - The Canberra Times
"Brilliant." - Molly Meldrum.
So where was I? Ah yes, string. So you are walking down the shop to buy a packet of crisps with this piece of string that's tied to your right big toe wrapped around every object in the universe and tied to a small twig a at the opposite side of the universe.
As you move the string moves through this cosmic pulley system causing complete havoc with every step. You are of course completely unaware of this. Step, oil prices go up. Step, Boyzone gets back together. Step, aquamarine becomes the new black. Step, Bill Gates wins the lottery. Step, the twig at the other end of the universe breaks and the whole bloody thing comes undone.
At this point you would probably point out that I don't seem to be making a point. This is because you are a dull inbred and have an uncanny knack for missing the obvious. I am speaking about the complete connectivity of the universe. Not only that but that it is connected by ordinary (apart from the fact it’s invisible) package string. I call this “string theory". This theory is currently being studied by many physicists but as usual they have it completely wrong and don’t in fact believe that it is tied to your big toe. Ha ha ha, I laugh in the face of their ignorance.
Okay, now that you know the basics of string theory we shall get into the more advanced stuff. I speak of course of solving the great mysteries of life such as:
People
Places
And lastly but not least
Things
I call this the mystery of the nouns. Now you were probably thinking I was going to bring up stuff like The Meaning of Life, Where The Other Sock Goes and Why Does Toast Always Land Butter Side Down. These of course aren’t mysteries at all, the answers are: it doesn’t have one it’s just a meaningless pit of despair you can’t crawl out of, behind my couch and because you’re buttering both sides stupid, respectively.
Nouns on the other hand are a total mystery because they seemingly have absolutely no reason for existing in the first place. This will be discussed in the next thrilling installment of “ If Your Mother is an Albatross Then Why is Your Daddy a Chicken” or as they say in French “Understanding the Universe: Part 3”.
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