everything you wanted to know about the universe but were to sober to find out
Hello. Come in, take a seat. No not there, that's where I keep my pile of invisible pine cones. Invisible pine cones? Don't ask stupid questions.
Today I would like to talk about the universe. Specifically I would like to explain it to those of you that haven't been paying attention in their "Physics, Metaphysics and Far Side Cartoons: A Guide to Understanding Everything" class, which is now compulsory for any student wishing to become chronically unemployed.
Today you may have woken up confused. Tonight you will surely sleep the sleep of someone who knows the answer to all life's mysteries (or at the least the sleep of someone who will find out at the end of this compelling series of articles).
Firstly I want you imagine a long thin piece of string. One end of this string is tied to the big toe on your right foot (if indeed you have one). The other end is attached to a twig on a branch of a tree on the opposite side of the universe. Okay, now in between your big toe and this hypothetical twig (and keep in mind I could have picked any two objects) the string wraps around every other object in the universe. Got that in your head? Good! You are now one 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th down the path to a complete understanding the universe.
The consequences of this string will become apparent when you decide to walk down to the shops to buy a packet of crisps. Unfortunately you will have to wait until the next article to find out what these consequences are.
Until next time may volcanic debris miss your head entirely.
~Toblerone J. Aardvark~